UPDATE: Ansley woke up just before midnight. When I walked into her room, I immediately smelled vomit. She was practically laying in a puddle with her precious hair all matted and her clothes soaking wet. She was a champ as I bathed her while Rob changed her bedding out. So, she is fighting a virus now as well. Please pray for her.
I write now to tell you the crushing weight of the information we have received in the past 48 hours. We feel beat down, broken and destroyed. There have been moments of heaving sobs, moments of silent numbness and moments of peace, hope and joy. So.. on Wednesday, at Ansley's PT appointment, I mentioned all of our current concerns as well as the fact that her leg stiffness is presenting itself again. Her left foot has always been a little stiff, but it has been more noticeably curling inward. The therapist began massaging Ansley's feet and legs and feeling around. She then informed me that the bones from about mid calf - down are bowed. Not as in bow-legged, but if you are running your hand up Ansley's leg, you can feel it sink in like going downhill and then coming back up a little bit. I listened as she explained the massaging and movements we can do to help with this and the potential need for braces as we try to teach her to walk. I then asked if this was the type of stuff you see in the kids who aren't able to walk and there was a long pause. Too long. As the tears started pouring out onto my cheeks she said, "Not neccessaaaarily.." I heard the 'but' loud and clear. She then explained she would much rather see an issue we can try to work with than see Ansley not interested in the world around her.. because thats the stuff you can't really work with or teach. So.. a choice to look at the positive and FIGHT hard, braces and all if need be, to pray earnestly and teach Ansley to walk. Praying that she will one day, this side of Heaven, scoot up a playground and run and play. That was bomb drop #1.
So, onto bomb drop #2-3. Today, I called our pediatrician to go in and check Ansley's growth and go over all of the things that have so rapidly been piling up with her. She explained that the shaking her head back and forth and the eye squeezing could be just a vision issue, and we need to have vision and hearing checks on her regularly anyway, so to go ahead with that step first. She explained vision problems are common with microcephaly and it would change the way we need to interact with her. Heartache. She then went onto to say what we know.. that it is likely to just be Ansley's brain and what it's capable of. And then the bomb... these words have been swirling in my head like a spinning top all day. She said, "It's not a matter of if, but when her brain is going to max out and simply not be able to go any further, and it's possible she is there." She said she thought that may not be true, but it's possible. There just is simply not a word to explain the ache of that moment. Also, Ansley has not grown in weight, length, or head circumference in almost two months. We have tried everything and exhausted all possibilities to get Ansley to eat and take in more calories. We are going to see a nutritionist next week to evaluate what Ansley's intake is, and if things do not DRASTICALLY change in the next couple of weeks, we are going to be looking at a surgery for Ansley about a month from now, to have a feeding tube put into her stomach and we will be feeding her through a tube coming out of her belly. I can still nurse her and try to spoon feed her, but she will be getting her nutrition through a feeding tube since we can't get her to eat. I understood the verse that speaks of praying in groans that words cannot express as I drove home. No words came out of my mouth, just sounds of such pain and desperation for the Lord to come and save. I couldn't breathe thinking of Ansley's brain going no further and what that means for her life. I felt like my insides were melting thinking about her going through surgery and being fed through a tube. I just kept thinking of John 10:10 "..I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
We thank you, so much, for your prayers on Ansley's behalf and we plead for you to persist on with boldness claiming that abundant life that Jesus Christ came to give. Claiming John 16:33 "But take heart! I have OVERCOME THE WORLD." Claiming Matthew 19:26 "..All things are possible with God." Claiming "Acts 4:5 "Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders in the name of Jesus Christ." We will NEVER grow weary of praying for deliverance, this side of Heaven, for our daughter. We pray according to God's will, praising Him for His goodness and faithfulness, praising Him that He is bigger than this battle, and pleading for Him to come in and save. To stretch out His hand to heal. God is the same as He was when He parted the seas, He is the same as He was when he rained manna from the skies in the middle of a desert and He is the same God who called the dead to life. Pray for protection against seizures.. thank you Jesus for protection thus far!!! We plead for you to approach the throne of grace with confidence for our dear baby girl.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. We love you so much. Thank you!