John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
The doctor said it would only take about thirty minutes. I walked back to the waiting room almost trying to make myself cry, but it wouldn't come. There was just too much peace. I sat down and weighed my options of flipping through Golf Digest or People to pass the time. The woman in front of me, twenty years my senior and clearly waiting on the same thing, seemed to want to joke with me about the situation, but I found no humor in it. After awhile, distracting myself just wasn't enough... I needed to just sit with Him. I thought about receiving Ansley's diagnosis and shortly thereafter finding out that if we chose to conceive again the chance of a recurrence of microcephaly was 25%. For awhile, it wasn't even an issue we addressed. There was too much grief to even go there yet. When we finally began to talk and pray, the answer was clear. Why would we ever willingly risk the health of our child in that way? Why would we risk putting Zachary through what he has had to endure again? Why would we willingly risk the next baby maybe not having enough brain tissue to survive outside the womb? All for what... he or she having Rob's eyes? My curly hair? How could ever willingly make that choice?
Rewind two and half years...
Jason and Holly, my brother and his wife, had called us asking if we wanted to come hear their friends from church talk about their future ministry opprotunity. They were in the process of raising support to go into full time orphan ministry. I went expecting to be touched, write a check, play with the kids and head home. But instead, as I sat and listened, the Lord wrecked me forever. That day absolutely changed my life. Mrs. McB (http://growingmcbs.blogspot.com/) told a story of being in an orphanage halfway around the world. This particular orphanage was a place where children lived often because their families were unable to care for them. Every Sunday, they would dump a huge pile of nice clothes in the middle of the floor for the children to change into because their relatives came to visit them that day. Mrs. McB watched as this precious, two year old little girl threw elbows and dove for this one dress that she wanted to wear for to look beautiful for her Mommy. She then told us that she sat with that precious child at the gates all day waiting for a Mommy that never came. I looked over at my two year boy playing with his cousin in the backyard and it all clicked in that moment. The Lord made my heart come alive for the orphan in that moment. A moment I had no idea was planting the first seed of love for my future child(ren). I understood (albeit a TINY glimpse) why our Savior commands us as the body of believers to care for the orpans. Because my ache in that moment over imagining my precious son having to endure such a moment made me realize how infinitely more the King weeps over His fatherless children. We knew, before Ansley ever came along, that we wanted adoption to be a part of our family.
Fast forward back to yesterday..
. It had been fifteen months of praying and aching and weeping over the decision, but the Lord continued to give peace. NEVER once a moment of doubt for either of us. Doesn't mean it was easy... oh good grief, no, but there was peace in it. Confident peace. I sat in that waiting room remembering what it was like seeing my precious babes up on that ultrasound screen for the first time and I wept. I remember exactly where I was and exactly how it felt when my two loves moved inside of me for the first time. Sacred treasures. I hold so dear the moment I saw each of them after laboring for them to come into this world. My heart has never know so much love in such an instant. There is an ache and a healing to lay at the foot of the cross, but it will come. Even though I know I will never feel that first movement of life inside of me again, there is a stream of living water running through the very depths of my soul that will never run dry. A fountain of life to fill me up. Because at the end of day, I am His and He is mine.
Psalm 36:9 "For with you is the fountain of life..."