Psalm 32:7-8 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
On nights like tonight, there is nowhere else to run. I can do nothing but curl up at the foot of His throne. The tension releases as I let the tears spill out and the sobs do their shaking. Because He desires my heart. He desires me to lay it down at his feet because there is nowhere else to put it. And though my flesh may fail me, I serve a God who does not grow tired or weary (Isaiah 40:28). He promises to grant strength in my weariness and to increase my power, through Him, when I am weak(Isaiah 40:29). He makes this parched, thirsty heart bubble up like a spring. Not because I deserve it, but because He loves His children extravagantly. And He delights in rescuing my heart (Psalm 22:8).
This evening was difficult to walk through, to say the least. We knew Ansley may never utter a word. She speaks clearly and identifies all 26 letters of the alphabet. NOTHING but the lifting hand of mercy and compassion of our Lord could have done this. We knew she may never take a step on her own. My God has lifted the lame to make her leap like a deer. He has turned our 'wailing into dancing' more than we could count. He has made our hearts leap for joy and we will give thanks to Him forever. But sometimes our enemy doesn't just throw stones to trip us up... he heaves the biggest boulder he can find. And tonight, it crushed me. It did. I can't do this and not be honest. I can't put on a parade of "having it all together" during the moments when the reality sinks deep. But you know what? I have a God who "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). He gives me the strength to lift my hand in praise when I'm too broken to speak. Because He never lets go.
My love gave me the time I needed to process alone, and then he held me and let me share my fears and pain. And then, he went to battle on my behalf. On behalf of our family. And like a carrot leads a horse, he blinded me to anything but the sword of truth. He bound the enemy's plans against us by the power of the name of Jesus Christ... and the more he prayed, the more the Spirit began to stir. Swirling hope and a renewed spirit to bring my feet back to a march. And He gave us the strength to keep believing in His word, because there is nothing else worth listening to. And because when my flesh fails, and this world brings trouble...there is NO other hope, but the hope of the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Marantha.